


What You Can't Have

by duperstar



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Jealousy, M/M, Sad, Unrequited Love, poor olli
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-07
Updated: 2014-04-07
Packaged: 2018-01-18 13:21:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1430020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/duperstar/pseuds/duperstar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Olli feels alone and realises that Beau definitely doesn't like him that way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What You Can't Have

Keep quiet and carry on. That’s what Olli always tried to do. It was easier for him to do that. Being the quiet rookie meant that he didn't get the same attention as everyone else. They didn't prank him the way that Beau was the year before. Whenever Beau would tell him the tales he’d laugh at how stupid it made Beau seem, but at the same time he was grateful that he wasn't given the same treatment. He wonders sometimes if it’s a bad thing to not be on the wrong end of the team’s jokes. What if it means they haven’t welcomed him? He loves it in Pittsburgh, but when he watches Beau with the boys, he can see how he fits in with everyone else. Olli doesn't think he’s done the same yet. He’s on the team, but is he truly one of them?

Maybe he’s just jealous. There’re a lot of things that the Californian does that Olli wishes he could do, but he keeps it quiet and possibly brags a little too much when he does things that Beau hasn’t.

“Winning a medal at the Olympics was amazing. You need to experience it,” Olli said, wearing his medal with pride. “There’s nothing like representing your country.”

Beau smiled at him, the smile that earned him the nickname Sunshine and did strange things to Olli when he saw it. Why was he smiling at him? Was he interested? Did he know about how Olli felt?

“You played great. Well done.” Beau always responded in a polite way. He didn't chirp him the way he’d chirp other teammates when they’d done well. He didn't even comment on how Olli had said the exact same thing to him practically every day since he came back from Sochi. Beau didn't mind with Olli.

Olli hated how he didn't have the courage to say much when he spoke to Beau. Usually Beau would continue talking to him, even if it was clear that Olli didn't have much to say in response. He was definitely jealous of his confidence off the ice. He arguably talked too much sometimes, which Neal would chirp him about, but Olli loved listening to him so he never commented on it.

The one thing he was certain that he hated about Beau was that even though he made more time for him than other players did, he’s still drop him whenever Bortuzzo showed up. He’d always be second best.

They sat together on the bench a lot for extra practise when the others had left, but as soon as Bortuzzo showed up Beau’s attention would leave Olli and go to the more interesting man. He hated it. He’d watch as they spoke and as Borts made Beau laugh and smile and Olli would wish that he could look away, but he never could. He wished he could do that for Beau.

One day Jussi pulled him aside and asked him if Bortuzzo had done something to him. Apparently Orpik had noticed the way Olli glared at the taller man and asked Jussi to try and sort it out. Olli fought back tears when Juice came to him. His mentor was worried about the other defender doing something wrong to him, when really it was Maatta doing something wrong. He was falling for a teammate; a teammate that wasn't interested in him. How could he tell Jussi that?

“He got a bad penalty a few games ago,” Olli told Juice, hoping that the hockey excuse would be what was expected of him. “I’ll get over it,” he whispered, staring at his feet.

Jussi took his word for it and moved on, but during the next few games he couldn’t help noticing the extra attention that Orpik was giving him. Olli’s paranoia made him think that Brooks knew his secret and would give him cold and intimidating looks to ensure he didn't act on those feelings. In reality he knew that no one would know. He was careful, but that didn't mean he wasn't scared.

“Is your medal still getting looked after?” Beau asked him when they bumped into each other in the car pack.

Olli smiled, happy that Beau paid attention to their conversations.

“Yeah, it’s amazing.”

They walked into the building together, walking closely. Olli liked being near Beau. He was relaxing in so many ways, even if he made Olli’s heart race more than it did when he was trying to defend Crosby at the Olympics.

“I’m thinking I’ll be ready to play again soon,” Beau told him. “Physically and mentally I’m doing really well right now. My legs are great and I can do things with my hands that I couldn’t before the injury. It’s awesome.”

Olli tried to stop himself from thinking about Beau’s hands and what they could do to him. He didn't want to think of his legs being around him. He bit his lip and tried to think of something to say. Beau was used to his quietness, but he knew waiting this long wouldn't look great.

“I miss playing with you,” Olli admitted, a blush hitting his face as he did.

“Borts keeps saying that.” Beau laughed and Olli frowned. “Maybe if I get healthy I’ll make Team USA next time,” Beau said with a smirk. “Then I can stop you getting any more medals.”

Olli laughed and shook his head. “Finland will beat you again. I promise.”

Beau put an arm around his shoulder and squeezed him. “If you say so, Olli, if you say so...”

That’s when Bortuzzo showed up. Olli was looking at Beau as it happened, so he saw how his face lit up and knew _knew_ that those two were more than good friends.

“Sunshine babysitting the young one again,” Borts said with a smirk before coming over to ruffle Olli’s hair. “Don't listen to any of Beau’s training tips. It’s all lies and pizza isn't good for you.”

“Some of it is!” Beau shouted, playfully punching Borts in the arm. “It had veg on it.”

“Yeah and that strawberry ice cream is one of your five a day!”

Olli dropped his head as Bortuzzo and Beau kept talking with each other. Beau didn't really make jokes when he was with Olli. To be honest, he sometimes spoke to Olli the way he speaks with reporters. He’s completely different with Borts and yes, he is very jealous of this.

Beau starting hugging the other man so Olli walked off. Neither of them noticed him leave.

Olli didn't like to think of himself as an emotional guy, but he was. He missed home and his friends and family. He missed being with the people that he felt completely comfortable around. He didn't have that here and he felt like it was his fault for not being able to build those relationships. He knew Beau would never like him. He knew he’d never be the best friend to anyone here. He felt alone.

He wasn't intending to walk into the locker room while he was in a state, but that’s where he found himself. It was empty but it felt wrong being there with tears running down his face. The toughest men shared this locker room, yet he’s now in there crying like a child.

“Fuck,” he whispered, sitting at his locker and dropping his head into his hands.

He tried to compose himself before the rest of the team arrived, but he didn't manage it. So instead he tried to hide it from them. He had his back facing the room for the longest time so they couldn’t see his red eyes and tear stained cheeks, but eventually their Captain was sent over to him.

He felt a firm hand on his shoulder and forced himself to smile when he turned around to face Sid.

“Is everything alright?” Sid asked him. No one else in the room was paying attention to their conversation. Olli had a feeling that Jussi would be watching them, but no one else really noticed.

“I'm okay,” he lied, failing to look Sid in the eye.

“Orpik mentioned Bortuzzo the other day...” Sid’s voice trailed off. “That isn’t anything, right?”

“Nope,” he lied again, scared of what his captain would think of him if he knew he was letting a stupid crush affect his relationship with other teammates.

“If you’re homesick, I always found calling home helps,” Sid suggested. “Juice is worried.”

Olli stared at the floor. He was messing his teammates around. They were worrying about him when there were much more important things going on.

“I'm sorry,” he whispered, voice breaking despite how he was begging himself not to cry again.

He could deal with Beau not liking him back, he’s used to keeping his sexuality a secret so not being liked back was normal. But it made him feel so alone...

“You’re doing great, Olli. There’s no need to be sorry. It’s my job to make sure you’re doing okay, so if you’re not, that’s on me not you.”

Olli ran a hand through his hair and steadied his breathing, refusing to let the tears fall again. This time he succeeded.

“I'm okay,” he lied. “I just... Thank you,” he whispered.

Sid gave as small smile and then Beau came over to give Olli a hug. He closed his eyes as he felt Beau’s warmth and tried to remind himself that it meant nothing and that Beau didn't care about him.

There was conversation all over the room, so he knew no one was listening to what he was saying.

“Are you and Bort?” Olli asked with a whisper. He didn't know what to call it, but he hoped Beau would understand.

Beau looked alarmed as he pulled back from the hug. “How did you know?” he asked, making Olli’s heart sink even though he knew it all along.

“You two are good together,” Olli told him bluntly.  

Beau did his Beau smile again. About Bortuzzo again. And Olli felt like he was about to break again.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know why I ended up writing this but now I feel sad and want to give Olli a hug.


End file.
